Supporting New Dads at Work: Compare Him to Himself, Not to Mum

Sep 30

5 min read

Ask a manager how the new dad in their team is going and you'll often hear some version of "fine, actually".

He's back at his desk. He took his two weeks. His partner's the one up at 3 am, so he's probably doing okay.

Maybe he is. But while we were building our Supporting New Dads at Work webinar, one idea kept stopping leaders in their tracks.

Don't compare dad to mum. Compare dad to his own healthy baseline.

It sounds small. We've watched it quietly change how managers see the dads in their teams.

Why does comparing new dads to mums fall short?

Next to mum, most new dads look like they're coping. She grew the baby, she's recovering from birth, and she's often doing most of the feeding. Held up against all of that, whatever he's carrying can look small. He'll often say so himself.

And in lots of ways, he's right. Her load is real and it's heavy.

But the comparison has a side effect. It measures his experience against someone else's, so he comes up short every time. The easiest thing is to say nothing. His manager, seeing a bloke who seems fine next to his partner, says nothing too.

Meanwhile, PANDA says up to 1 in 10 expecting and new dads experience perinatal anxiety or depression. Some of them are sitting in a team meeting somewhere, being described as fine.

What is a dad's healthy baseline?

His baseline is him on a good stretch. The person you knew before the baby arrived.

How he usually shows up in meetings. What time he normally logs off. How much patience he has when a project goes sideways. Whether he's still able to have a laugh.

If you've worked with him for a while, you probably already recognise how he shows up at his best. The useful question is whether you'd notice if it shifted.

We like this approach because it's fair to him. It doesn't ask whether he has it harder or easier than anyone else. It just asks: is this still him?

What might it look like when a dad drifts from his baseline?

For new dads, struggling often looks less like sadness and more like irritability, withdrawal or pulling away (narrative review, 2024). A few things worth noticing:

A shorter fuse. Irritability is one of the most commonly reported signs in new dads.
Going quiet. Less to say in meetings, less contact with the team, or seeming a bit checked out.
Working more, not less. In our coaching, we often see dads feeling the pressure to provide and perform. Some overextend to look high-performing, sometimes right before they burn out.

Work plays its part too. Australian research led by Amanda Cooklin at La Trobe found fathers were most at risk when they worked very long hours, with no flexibility, job security or control over their workload (AIFS).

A caution, though. You might not see any of this. Some dads hold it together at work and let it out at home, or nowhere at all. There could be plenty going on that you'll never spot from the outside.

PANDA suggests it's time to get help when ordinary ups and downs become something more serious and last two weeks or more (PANDA factsheet). Assessing that is for professionals. Your part is to notice and to keep asking him how he's going.

How can leaders support a new dad?

A few of the ideas we explore in our Supporting New Dads at Work webinar.

Ask, don't assume. Don't guess what he needs from what his partner is doing, or from what the last dad in the team wanted. Ask him. "How are you going with it all?" is enough to start. The first answer is nearly always "good", so ask again in a few weeks.
Go first. Dads take their cues from the people above them. When a senior leader takes real leave, or logs off for daycare pick-up and says so, dads get a kind of permission a policy can't give. WGEA's research backs this up: men are more likely to take leave when they believe they're supported to.
Make flexibility real. A flexible work policy nobody uses doesn't do much. Look at who actually works flexibly in your team. If it's mostly mums, the dads have noticed too.
See the moment for what it is. Becoming a dad is a pivotal point in his own life and career, worth attention on its own terms. Some dads come back clearer about what they want from work. Some come back unsure. Both are worth a conversation.
Know where to point him. Managers aren't counsellors, and they shouldn't try to be. Your EAP, his GP, or the PANDA National Helpline on 1300 726 306 (which has male counsellors) are good places to start. If anyone is in crisis, Lifeline is on 13 11 14.

What parental leave can dads get in Australia in 2026?

For babies born or adopted from 1 July 2026, families can get up to 26 weeks of government Parental Leave Pay. In a couple, 20 of those days are reserved for the second parent, often dad, and they're lost if he doesn't use them. Both parents can take up to 20 days at the same time (Care for Kids).

Men now take 20% of primary carer's leave, a record high (WGEA). Progress, and still a long way from half.

We hear one thing from employers more than anything else. "We offer twelve weeks, and nobody takes it."

We're curious about that one. WGEA's research suggests men are more likely to take leave when they believe they're supported to. So maybe the policy isn't the whole story. Maybe it's whether he's watched anyone senior actually take it and come back to a career still intact.

How Workpants can help

Workpants is an Australian career counselling and executive coaching practice for parents and the workplaces that want to keep them. We've got three ways to help, depending on where you'd like to start.

Dad Career Guide (free). For dads who want to step into the caregiving role and see fatherhood as part of their career story.

Supporting New Dads at Work webinar. For leaders who want to understand the distinct journey of a new dad, and how to support him well. The healthy baseline idea lives here, along with plenty more.

Career counselling and executive coaching. For dads moving through parental leave and back to work, just as we do for mums and every other parent.

Which pair would you like to try on? Get the Dad Career Guide or book a chat with us.

Questions we get asked

What does "compare dad to his own healthy baseline" mean? It means noticing how a new dad is going by comparing him to his usual self, not to his partner. It's an approach Workpants uses to help managers spot when a dad might need support.

How common is perinatal anxiety and depression in dads? PANDA says it affects up to 1 in 10 expecting and new dads in Australia.

How much paid parental leave can dads get in Australia? For babies born or adopted from 1 July 2026, families can get up to 26 weeks of Parental Leave Pay. In a couple, 20 days are reserved for the second parent on a use-it-or-lose-it basis. Many employers offer extra leave on top, though some differentiate between primary and secondary carers.

Why don't more dads take parental leave? It's usually a mix: financial limitations, societal expectations, the policy, their manager, and whether anyone senior has gone first.

What is career coaching for new dads? One-on-one sessions with a qualified career counsellor/coach to help a dad work out what he wants from work now and how to talk about it. Workpants offers this in Australia, usually funded by employers.